How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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