i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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