oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
