I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
