you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
