the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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