I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
