My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I didn't notice because vodka
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
