I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
