Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I look better un-naked...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize