why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
