Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
