Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
