Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
