I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Randomize
