He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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