The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize