You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize