Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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