Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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