if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
