i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
