im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
