so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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