No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
