i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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