Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
