Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Congratulations! We have a period
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