There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
