I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
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Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
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I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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