What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
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I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
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I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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