nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Two words: blizzard sex
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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