I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
