he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize