I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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