He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
