ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
