i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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