Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
