Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
