apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
where does the pee come out of this thing
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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