did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
