Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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