If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
