On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
