you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
