Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
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