Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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