Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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