you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
