And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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