im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
