I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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