my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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