We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
