we're chasing vodka with high fives
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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