Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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